What am I to do?
A reflection on success, unhappiness, and leaving a good job to pursue a dream.
July 4, 2025
I recently stumbled upon this blog post: https://seanbarry.dev/posts/quitting-the-rat-race
It found me at a very vulnerable time because I have been feeling the same way. Specifically, this comment on Hacker News:
I’m making the most I’ve ever made and I’ve never been less happy and more depressed. I despise being a cog in a huge corporate machine, it’s like the job was designed to be as unappealing as possible.
At the same time I can’t get over the fact that I have it better than the vast majority of humanity. I feel guilty hating my job, I won’t complain to people IRL because how could I? I have it made by all accounts. This guilt completely consumes me and adds a special level of self hatred, if I’m not happy with this, maybe I never will be?
Unlike the author though I can’t just quit, so endure it I must.
But I’m over feeling miserable about feeling miserable. I’m only going to let it hurt me once. So that begs the question: Why am I so miserable right now?
Like that comment, I’m earning the most I’ve ever made, and I’ve never been less happy. Okay, “never” might be too strong, but top five for sure.
It’s not my relationship because that is beautiful, and I’m truly blessed. It’s also not my health. So that leaves only one of my pillars. At the end of the day, I feel like my soul has been sucked out, and I’m losing myself. Again, why? It’s because I’m not chasing my dreams; I’m settling for mediocrity. Okay, some of you might think what I have isn’t mediocre at all. You shut the fuck up. It’s mediocre to me.
One of my favorite quotes:
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations and you are not in this world to live up to mine.
— Bruce Lee
I’m not living up to my full potential, and I know it. It doesn’t matter that people think I have it all figured out on the outside because only I know how much more I can give. And I can give so much more.
I know life can be so much more because I have done so much more. I have come so far, but like that cheesy quote says, “I didn’t come this far to only come this far.”
Life Update
July 30, 2026
I did it. Something I have thought about for years. I made my dream come true. I quit my job, lol. Definitely one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. I worked at a good company. I was with a great team. But it wasn’t my dream. I’m not sure what’s next. I’m filled with excitement and uncertainty.